So
into You
By: Widiani Larasati
I remember my head
felt so heavy that day, that it was hard to get it up. I kept walking while staring
at holes and pebbles on the street no matter what. Only me who knew how much I
wished I would not find him at where I was going to go. I wished he canceled coming,
that he suddenly got stomachache or diarrhea, or his dog was suddenly… Whom was
I fooling? Of course, Pieter had been there since a few minutes ago, leaning on
the side of the bridge as usual. He always came early. His mind was certainly
wandering to the things I didn’t want to imagine at all.
He had been honest with me once
about his fantasy at the bridge, the things that made me feel more uncomfortable
than if there were two lovers making love with unstoppable lust in front of my
eyes. Yes, I admitted that I ever wanted to be involved in the realization of his
fantasy, but at that time, I could barely think anything but turning back. He had
been waiting for a meet and chat, and thought it could proceed with hanging out
like we had done for one or two times before, but all I was going to do was
telling him what others wanted me to tell him? Oh, I thought I would not be
able to face any of his reactions. I even wanted the ground to swallow me, right
when he noticed me coming even when the distance between us was still far.
Pieter hastily changed his position. He stood up. Not as usual, his warm smile got
me suffered at that time.
"Good afternoon
Suhartini," he greeted as usual. At another time, my heart would get flowered
when I heard him saying it. My name would sound different in my ears, it would
be much more meaningful when it slid from his thin lips. My world, which was
all about boring life.. My seasons, which were only dry and rainy, changed
instantly. Good afternoon from him could make the afternoon brighter and feel
more cheerful as if I spent a lovely afternoon in the spring when the flowers
were blooming and the butterflies were happily flying around them. But that
day, it was like all the beautiful flowers had been struck by cruel lightning,
and heavy rain flushed the remnants. The good afternoon turned out to be a
disaster.
However, I replied his greeting with a tasteless one. As usual, Pieter
tried to get me to talk about my family, school, about myself.. Most of my
answers were just yes and no, but he didn’t seem to care and went on talking,
made me barely able to be there any longer. My heart screamed at the top of its
lung (if only it had lung) to tell him that something had happened and he
should not have acted that casual. His attitude just made it more difficult to
me to imagine how to tell him everything. However, it could not go on that way.
“And you know, sometimes I wonder how
–”
“Pieter!”
Pieter seemed a little surprised. I
understood, that was the first time I voiced his name so firmly. I didn’t even
remember when I ever mentioned his name. He was the one who always called me and
tried to find me wherever I was.
Pieter invited me to express what I
meant to say first. Where did I begin? I didn’t know. I felt like to back off,
to escape and return to home.
"What's wrong with you,
Suhartini?"
But the shadows of people in the
house began to haunt me. Eang¹ who
was angry, shouted from his rocking chair cursing the Dutch people and their
descendants; Bapak² and Ibu³
who smoothly forced me to deny the
rumors from some neighbors about the forbidden relationship between me
and a
(half) Dutch guy by receiving Bagus’s propose, just like it was the only
way; My sister, who advised me to take a safe course by following my
parents’ advice; Pon, my best friend, who sadly told me I should
subordinate my heart..
"I want to get married,"
said me quickly.
"What?"
From what I saw, he was all about shocked,
happy, and confused at the same time.
"We're still too young,
Suhartini."
"Too young?” I wondered. “I’m
16."
"Yes, 16 years old is too
young,"
"No, if you were a pribumi⁴."
Pieter looked a little bit hurt. I
know it was a bit outrageous and offensive, but I had no other choice. I was
too weak to take any other choice than to make him angry with the ancient
issues. However, he didn’t move. He felt no need to discuss it at all. I could
not give up..
"My grandmother was married at
the age of 13; my mother was 15 at her time. Either do other women,"
"But you are different than the
others, Tin. You are a smart girl, you are so young and beautiful. You can be
anything you want, besides just dandle and cooking in the kitchen.."
"You–"
"Don't misunderstand me, Tin.
It’s not that I disrespect the women around you. You must know that my mother
is skinned the same as yours. It’s not that I don't want to marry you. Trust me,
it becomes my goal.. It’s just, we’re still so young.. There are still many
things we can accomplish in the future. We also have much things to prepare for
the marriage. I mean, about your family, my family, and– "
"Pieter! I'm going to get
married, with another guy.."
His expression was indescribable. I
regretted that I didn’t close my eyes at the time. He was frozen for a second and
seemed like about to say something, but he undid it. I could never imagine
before, a cheerful and witty Pieter who always had a thousand reasons to meet
and talk to me being silent like that. However, the fact was clear in front of
me and it made me even sadder and felt so guilty. I wish I had another choice,
besides having to confirm that he was not allowed to get close to me anymore.
"Next month." I said,
referred to the wedding, "He is a grandson of Eang’s friend. His name is Bagus. We have met and agreed on some
things."
"Do you love him, Tin?"
Pieter looked straight into my eyes. I was so much confused. It was so sudden, had
never existed in any scenarios in my head.
"I…”
"You don’t love him," said
him quickly.
I almost gave up, but I have had not
lost any sense.
"Bagus is a good guy," I
began, "he’s polite, educated, came from a good family,"
"I'm not asking that–“
"A pribumi and we have the same
faith." I affirmed the last word.
His face was flushed, was obviously so
offended. Then, as being sarcastic, he wondered aloud why all of the reasons
were important to ME. For him, love is above everything. He said, marriage
without love was a ridiculous choice that ever existed in this world. I was not
able to argue with him properly, because my heart nodded (if only it had head) for
every single thing he said. But I had to do something.
"You know nothing about my
heart, Pieter." I said.
"I know, Suhartini. I know you feel
what I feel."
"You're too confident!"
Pieter smiled. "Then you know
my feeling, right?"
I was silent.
"Like I said," said me, "Bagus and I have met. I admire him, he's so–"
Pieter smirked, but I couldn't hate his face as much as I hated myself.
"I know you love me, too."
"No!"
I turned my face. What did I fight? It
my own heart was.
"So, why did you tell me about
this?"
"It’s because I want you to
come on my wedding as other school friends of ours, who also I'll invite."
I replied flatly.
Pieter smirked again. "Are you
sure you will be able to see me there?"
I looked at him angrily. Pieter just
ignored it and kept talking.
"What do you think I am supposed
to do there? Pretending to be happy seeing the girl I love marrying a guy she
doesn’t even know? And congratulate you, then?”
"Pieter.."
"Then what does this all mean? You
are not the type of – I’m sorry – a bitch who is willing to go with any guy for
having fun, even when you don’t have such a feeling about that guy, are
you?"
I slapped him on the left cheek.
Pieter was not ready for it, but he seemed to think he should have known that it
was going to happen. He knew that he had stepped over the boundary that I would
not be able to help myself. I thought hence why he could still manage to be
patient.
Without thinking, I turned around and
walked quickly. I told myself to stem my tears at least until I got home.
Pieter tried to call me, which I ignored. He had been out of control at that
moment. As sadness over the fact that love could be so bitter was not enough, I
must feel so humiliated by the guy whose heart was where I put my heart into.
However, I could hardly get mad of him after all he said. Because he was right.
I love him, too. Of course I did.
I didn’t notice when he began to
overtake me, but he suddenly walked beside me while begging me to stop, which I
ignored.
"Suhartini, I'm sorry! Please accept
my apologies.."
"I’ve said that you understand
nothing!" I kept walking.
"Which point that I don't
understand, Tin?"
"About us, Pieter.” I said while
stopping my step. “You and me. Can’t you just see that we are too different?!"
"Believe me, I much more than
understand, Suhartini."
"So, why do you keep trying to
get close to me?"
"Because how to stop loving you
is the thing I never understand. And how to stop being optimist that you are
the only girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, is the thing I don't
know.. I have no power to get rid of this feeling, Suhartini."
Immediately, I was stunned. He was
so serious. I didn’t know that his feeling was that deep, that his dream was
that far. All I knew was that I could not avoid his gaze. I always admired the
eyes that got me stupefied one day, beautiful light brown eyes, deep and broad
as keeping such a mystery. His eyes were like a gateway to another world I
eagerly wanted to explore without a second thought.
I threw my face back before I could
not help myself entering it.
Pieter sighed. "I bet maybe if
you love me, too.."
"We would somehow get through
this.."
"Yes.."
I burst into tears. Finally, I was
giving up by realizing how naïve he was. We both were. I felt cheated by my own
feeling, which dispelled any bad possibilities I would have to face in my head,
making me letting myself sink deeper in love that was all about hurt and pain.
Pieter was about to wipe my tears,
but he hesitated and undid it. I remembered the only moment he touched me was when we were all at the
class photo session a year ago. Out of nowhere, he suddenly appeared and took a
place next to me. I noticed a half-Dutch young guy who was 1 of my classmates
were there and just normally ignored it. Until when the photographer gave a cue
to all of us to smile, I was surprised to feel someone holding my hand and
instinctively I turned to him and stared at him intently. He looked at me back
and smiled slyly and that was the time the photographer took our picture.
I got mad of him for a few days for
each of our classmates having that picture as if he and I were staring at each
other. I was too shy to place it in a photo frame and putting it on a table in
the living room or my bed room (there was where I slept with my sister), so I
had been keeping the picture in a secret box of mine instead. Until my Ibu found it out in her way to
investigate anything related to us. An unnecessary activity, which was pushed
by some people around who started to consider Pieter and I more than just
classmates. An accidentally taken picture turned out to be an evident and that
was all where everything began.
"Please stop blaming me,
Suhartini." he begged softly.
"I had known that your parents
would disagree with this, that people around would desperately oppose our
relationship. But I believed that everything does take time.. I thought when
they saw us happy, everyone would be able to accept our relationship. Really, I
didn't expect they would get you betrothed this soon.. "
There was only the sound of my cry
for a few seconds afterwards.
"You can still cancel it,
Tin."
"No, Pieter. I can’t.." I
said weakly. It was something that was really far, even from my wildest dreams.
I was more upset because of the despair.
Pieter repeated his words, at this
time as half-pleading. I really didn’t expect this. I thought everything would
go smoothly. It was, uneasy thing for me to set out to meet him that day and
expressed the reality, but I thought I was going to be able to hold my
emotions, as I thought he would not argue with me so much that I gave up on my
own heart. I thought I could immediately leave him and forget him, as I didn’t
plan on seeing him again after that. But I was wrong, totally wrong..
I had to end that anyway..
"You will find the right one
someday, Pieter. A woman who is much prettier than me. The one whose religion and
skin are the same as yours, and is in the same class as you.."
"Tin," said him.
"Sooner or later," I said,
wiping my tears, "you must forget about me."
I was about to walk away but he
reached my hand quickly. “I will never forget you! I can’t ever do that, and I
don’t want to."
I was too weak to do anything but
letting him did it. I just looked at his arm.
"Why, Pieter..” I asked. “Why
do you insist?"
"Because I love you, I DO love
you. And I’m sure that my love is reciprocated.. Isn’t it?” he stared straight
into my eyes.
I could barely breathe. “I..”
"I will do anything for you, Tin. Anything.."
I was amazed of what he stated. However, it made me realized something. He was willing to do anything for me, which might include letting go off me.
I was amazed of what he stated. However, it made me realized something. He was willing to do anything for me, which might include letting go off me.
"In that case–"
"Anything, but leaving
you."
***
¹ : A Javanese term of Grandfather
² : Father
³ : Mother
⁴ : A Native Indonesian
How romantic :-)
ReplyDeleteOhh thank you <3 I'm glad you like it
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